I feel like a puzzle piece

I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit anywhere.  My life is all about getting through today.  I have no long range plans.  I don't even know how I'll get through today, let alone tomorrow.  I am very lonely.  I have no friends.  I have no family other than my kids who are both adults.  My phone can go days or weeks without ringing or without getting a text from someone.  I will not share my misery, my loneliness, my depression with my kids.  I don't want them to feel bad for me or to parentify them and making them feel like they have to worry about me or feel guilty for leaving home.  They are adults, they should be living their lives without worrying about me.  I'm so sad every single day - still.   I am a caregiver.  That is what I do best.  I take care of others around me and enjoy it.  I have no one to care for.  I feel like my only worth is a paycheck.  People still depend on me financially.   My few friends that I did have probably don't want to get in the middle between me and the tasmanian narcissist or they truly do not care because they've all disappeared and I haven't heard from them in about two years after trying to get a hold of them.  Most people are so wrapped up in their own lives.  All of the acquaintances or friends from my old church, has either sided with the narcissist or just don't want to get involved.  THAT has hurt me more than anything.  My kids and I needed their support more than anyone.  I wanted to feel that those fellow soldiers in Christ were concerned with standing up for righteousness, calling out sin and taking a stand against it, but they haven't.  They do know what my ex is all about.  They've witnessed it and continue to witness the evil, the disfunction, the selfishness and ungodliness on his daily cry for attention on facebook.  Many have admitted that they know he isn't a believer, yet they still refuse to offer support to those that need it - especially to my kids.  Their indifference is sin.  Their willingness to tolerate it just to keep the peace is sin.  They are helping to usher my ex into hell by not condeming him, not calling him out on his sin, by refusing to extend the hand of fellowship to someone in such blatant sin.  The church has refused to do that.  The church did not want to have to face it so they were more than happy when my kids and I left the church.  We were disrupting their lives.   There is no room for Godliness, no room for righteousness in being politically correct.

So, it is very lonely to have no support.  It is hard to cope.  I sounds like a pity party but I don't intend it to turn into that.  I simply have no one that has stood with me or stood up for me and my kids in this horribly abusive situation.  They want to pretend we don't exist - it's easier for them to do that.  I only hope none of these people find themselves in my situation.  I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.   It's heartbreaking. 

So, I go through the days everyday saddened, lonely, plagued by the "what ifs" or "what did I do wrong?".  It truly pains me and causes my stomach to hurt when I see happy families.  It hurts me to hear others complain about their spouse when the matter is so trivial or non-existant.  People everywhere fail to appreciate what they have.  I have stopped going to bible study because all of the problems of the women in the group are just plain dumb.  I know it's not the fault of the women if they only have small problems.  They are truly blessed and they don't know it.   It hurts me because I'd give anything to have a spouse to go to with problems, to share a life with, to be able to count on if you need a ride or help or support.  When they complain about their loving spouse because he fails to pick up his socks.....it's trivial.  If only they knew what it is like to have a spouse abuse you, smear you, destroy you and then blame you for his behavior, maybe they wouldn't complain about the little things.  Maybe they would take an inventory of their life and see how well they have it.

I cannot fault people for their happy lives, for their trivial problems.  They are blessed to have them.  It is hard for me to sit and listen to it and not be so saddened, loney and frustrated.  It certainly isn't their fault that I feel this way.  I just withdraw.  

The tasmanian narcissist is re-married and bragging about it.  I know she'll get the same treatment I received.  I know she hasn't seen his behavior yet.  I know that he is truly miserable inside and it's all an act.  I get all of that.  But, it still pains me that he has companionship.  He has someone around him all of the time.  I'm left alone.  As always.   We were created by a loving God to have fellowship.  To be relational.  To share our lives with someone, to complete us.  You truly do not know how damaging it is to have this built in need for relationship and not have it.   I feel empty.

I won't admit this to a single person but I truly wish every single day that I would die today.  I honestly have no desire to live.  It would be an act of mercy for me to die today and to see my savior.  I have no will to live.  I won't off my self.  I believe that only God should take a live, because he gave it to us in the first place, but I don't want to live in this life anymore.  The pain continues every single day.  I've wanted to die for a very long time.  Years.  I don't understand why I'm still here.  My existance benefits no one, not even God.  My paycheck pays some of my kids bills, but that is just about my only worth.   I am doing nothing here to serve my creator.  I wish I did, but I don't.  Why am I still here?